The Value of Saying No to Children
By Monica Gibson
Growing up, the word “no” from one of my parents meant the answer was no. There was no negotiating or bargaining. Sometimes the reason was explained and other times I had to accept the answer, not understanding why the answer was no. Asking again after being told “no” came with consequences.
This taught me to be thoughtful about how I asked for permission or an item to be purchased. I often crafted an explanation that came before asking so that my parent could fully understand why I wanted something and had all of the facts as I, the child or young adult, understood them.
This didn’t mean I was always given a yes. Sometimes it did get me, “Let me think about that.” That was always followed up with an answer and if the answer was no, it usually came with a thoughtful explanation that helped me accept the answer.
As a person who works with over 20 children at a time, I am asked questions all day long. I frequently need to say no for lots of logical reasons that are obvious to an adult but not always to a young person. Sometimes, I have the time to explain why the answer is no. Other times, given the volume of children and limited time, I simply can’t explain why the answer is no. It’s just no.
Frequently, children continue to ask again and question my answer. They see if they can work harder and flip the no to a yes. This is a dangerous game and we should all work to help children understand the value of a firm no.
Why is understanding the importance of accepting a “no” so important?
As children get older and the stakes become greater, they need to value the boundary created by the word no. Think of all the times you may want them to accept your no, without hesitation:
No, you can’t play with matches.
No, you can’t use a vape pen.
No, you can’t take the car out in bad weather.
No, you can’t go to the party at the house where the parents are away.
No, you can’t post certain pictures on social media.
The list of requests that young adults may ask an adult for permission where the answer needs to be “no” becomes longer as they get older. As they travel out into the world with greater independence, they are faced with choices where we expect them to say no. By teaching our little ones that no really means no we are setting the expectation that our “no” should be valued, even when we aren’t there to supervise.
Saying no to our youngsters isn’t about denial or punishment. It’s helping them understand that in life there are healthy boundaries and circumstances that aren’t safe. We are teaching them that it’s ok to give their own firm no when they are faced with situations and choices. We are also teaching them to accept a no from other adults and peers.
Before answering your youngster, pause and if your answer is definitively no, be ready to be firm if asked again. If you’re not sure, say, “Give me some time to think about that.”
Follow up after you’ve had time to consider your answer. By seeing that it’s ok to take time to give something careful thought, you are modeling what they can do when faced with whether or not to say yes or no as they are faced with choices.
